CONTRACTOR

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

GOLFER

Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

PROFESSION

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” “Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

WHO’S PROBLEM?

Banta feared his wife Preeto wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test he could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

“Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, Preeto is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Banta was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let”s see what happens.”

Then in a normal tone he asks, “Preeto ji, what’s for dinner?”

No response.

Banta moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from Preeto and repeats, “Preeto ji, what’s for dinner?”

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from Preeto and asks, “Preeto ji, what’s for dinner?”

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away, and asks, “Preeto ji, what’s for dinner?”

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her, “Preeto ji, what’s for dinner?”

For God’s sake, Banta ji, for the FIFTH time, “BIRYANI!”

45 DIFFERENCE

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

SATAN IN CHURCH

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”