FLYING TURTLE

A tiny turtle began to climb a tree very slowly. Three hours later, it reached the top, climbed on to an outside branch, jumped into the air waving its front legs and crashed to the ground.

Saved by its shell, the tiny turtle started to climb the tree again. Four hours later, it reached the top, climbed on to a branch, jumped into the air waving its front legs and crashed to the ground.

Undaunted, the tiny turtle tried again. Four hours later, it reached the top, climbed to a branch, jumped into the air waving its front legs and crashed to the ground.

Undaunted, the tiny turtle tried again. This time it took five hours to climb to the top of the tree. Once there, it stumbled on to an outside branch, jumped into the air waving its front legs and crashed to the ground. As the tiny turtle dusted itself down for yet another laborious ascent of the tree, two birds were watching from above.

The female bird turned to the male and said, ”Darling, don’t you think it’s time we told him he’s adopted?”

TOO TALL

A lady had a height problem, she was TOO tall, being excatly 2 meters tall. She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car. So she visited an expert.

The expert said, “Go visit the Dwarven Town. It’s full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him if he’ll marry you. Every time a dwarf says ‘no,’ you grow 10 cm shorter!”

The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm shorter.

She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home.

She boldly walked up to a dwarf and asked if he would marry her.

The dwarf replied,: “No, no, no, no, no…! I don’t want to marry a tall person like you! You’re too tall! No, no, no, no, no!”

SLIPPING LION

Santa came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Banta, and told him of his adventures.

“I was out in the jungle,” he said, “when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.

“The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it.

As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion’s face.”

“Wow! That’s some sorry,” said Banta. “If I’d been in that situation, I would have shit my pants.”

“Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON…???”

JOB INTERVIEW

A mallu woman went for a job interview for the post of a Secretary. The manager saw the woman’s colourful clothes, gold jewellery, extra coconut oiled uncombed hair, and his mind was screaming: “NOT THIS WOMAN!!!”

Nevertheless, he had to interview her. So he told her, “If you make a sentence using all the words I give you, then maybe I’ll give you a chance at the job! The words are: GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK.”

The enthusiastic mallu, sat staring at the ceiling licking her lips thinking for a while.

She then let out a dorky laugh and said, “I hear the phone ring, GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW…. BLUE’S that?? Sorry WHITE did you say? Aiyo….. Wrong number!! Don’t simbbly PURPLELY disturb ppl and don’t call me BLACK next time wokay!!! OK… THANK YOU”

The Manager Fainted…

UGLY BABY

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

CONTRACTOR

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.