UNIQUE TREATMEANT

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

DEAD LAWYER

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. “No,” the doctor said.
“I did not check his pulse.” “And did you listen for a heartbeat?” asked the lawyer.
“No I did not,” the doctor said.
“So,” said the lawyer, “when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead.”
The doctor said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know,
he could be out practicing law somewhere.”

BAD NEWS

This guy goes into a doctor’s office. The doctor says, “Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?”
The guy shrugs and says, “Well I guess I’ll have the bad news first.” “Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live,” the doctor replies. The man is distraught, “24 hours to live? That’s horrible! What could be worse than that? What’s the VERY bad news?”
The doctor folds his hands and sighs, “The very bad news is…I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

THE GRIEVANCE

Robert was sitting in a bar looking thoroughly miserable. After a while the customer at the next table said, “Excuse me, but you look really depressed. What’s the problem?”

“You may well ask,” sighed Robert. “I’ll tell you what the problem is. My mother died in March and left me 10,000 dollars.”

“Gee, thats tough,” said the customer sympathetically.

“Then in April,” continued Robert, “my father died, leaving me 50,000 dollars.”

“Im real sorry to hear that,” said the customer. “Losing two parents in two months – no wonder youre depressed.”

“And last month, added Robert, “my aunt died left me 15,000 dollars.”

The customer shook his head in pity: “How terrible! Three close family members lost in three months!”

“Then this month, said Robert, “Nothing.”

EXPERIENCE COUNTS

A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed to three identical birds lined up on the perch.

”How much is the one on the left?” asked the customer.

”Five hundred dollars,” said the shop owner.

”Why is it so expensive?”

”Because it knows how to do legal research.”

”What about the one in the middle? How much is that?”

”One thousand dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.”

”And how much is the third parrot?”

”Five thousands dollars.”

”What can it do that is so special?”

”To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a damn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”

FINAL WILL

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.

“Why Bloomingdales?” asked the rabbi.

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”