DRUNK OR SOBER?

I was stopped by the cops in a control, and one of the officers was convinced that I was drunk. I had to answer some questions, which would determine whether I was under the influence, or sober.

Cop: “If you are driving on a road and see two lights, what is it?” “A car, I think” I replied.

“OK, but is it a Chrysler, GM, or Buick?”

“No clue,” I replied.

“You’re drunk!” he said.

I shook my head slightly, being caught off guard.

“But if you meet one light then!?” he asked.

“Probably a motorcycle,” I replied.

“OK, but is it a Honda, BMW, or a Suzuki?”

“No clue!” I replied.

“You’re drunk!” he said again.

Now I was a little angry, and asked the arrogant officer, a question: “If you see a woman at a corner, with fishnet-stockings, mini-skirt, high-heeled shoes, and lots of makeup, what can it be?”

“Haaa! the cop said,” It is of course a wh*re!”

“Correct…,” I replied. “But is it your wife, daughter or mother?”

They seized my drivers license….

THAT DAM HAM

A preacher’s wife goes to the butcher.

The butcher asks if she’d like to try some damn ham.

The preacher’s wife is shocked. The butcher explains that “Dam Ham” is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.

That night, the preacher asks, “What’s for dinner?”

His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the “Dam Ham brand name and their logo.

At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the “Dam Ham.”

The son replies, “I’ll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin’ mashed potatoes.”

FORGET ABOUT IT

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” says the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream.”

“Well,” says the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.”

“My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.”

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked for?”

DUCK HUNTING

Five doctors went to on a duck hunt:
a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist.
After a while a bird came winging overhead,
The GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not.
The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot.
The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?”
The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away.
Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

Mr SMITH

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch
So Mr. Smith went to this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special.
So he goes and tells the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothing’, so what are you going to do?”
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43.”
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.
So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it.
He tastes it and immediately spits it out, “This is gross!” he yells.
“I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith,” says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.
One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he starts, “I can’t remember!”
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43…”
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

THREATENING MAILS

A worried guy telephoned the FBI and got a special agent on the line.

“What can I do for you, sir,” the special agent asked.

“I’ve been getting threatening letter in the mail,” the guy said. “That’s against the law, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is,” the Government man said. “Do you know who’s been writing them?”

“Yeah,” the guy said. “My girlfriend’s husband