Category Archives: Women Jokes

THE ROMANTIC WIFE

A romantic wife once texted her husband

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I’m on the toilet. Please advise.

FINAL WILL

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.

“Why Bloomingdales?” asked the rabbi.

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

MOMS

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…..?”

She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2″, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God…’.”

CAUGHT SPEEDING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting.

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells, “PULL OVER!”

“NO,” she yelled back over the sound of the siren, “It’s a SCARF!”

GENEALOGY

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam took one of his ribs and made Eve. They lived in the Garden of Eden till a snake gave Eve an apple which she and Adam took a bite from and they were thrown out into the world naked and alone. They had children and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they evolved from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

TOO TALL

A lady had a height problem, she was TOO tall, being excatly 2 meters tall. She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car. So she visited an expert.

The expert said, “Go visit the Dwarven Town. It’s full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him if he’ll marry you. Every time a dwarf says ‘no,’ you grow 10 cm shorter!”

The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm shorter.

She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home.

She boldly walked up to a dwarf and asked if he would marry her.

The dwarf replied,: “No, no, no, no, no…! I don’t want to marry a tall person like you! You’re too tall! No, no, no, no, no!”