Category Archives: Religious Jokes

THAT DAM HAM

A preacher’s wife goes to the butcher.

The butcher asks if she’d like to try some damn ham.

The preacher’s wife is shocked. The butcher explains that “Dam Ham” is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.

That night, the preacher asks, “What’s for dinner?”

His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the “Dam Ham brand name and their logo.

At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the “Dam Ham.”

The son replies, “I’ll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin’ mashed potatoes.”

FINAL WILL

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.

“Why Bloomingdales?” asked the rabbi.

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

GASEOUS BABY

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. “Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.

“No, Father. Just a little gas,” Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. “Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?” he asked again.

“Oh no, Father. Just a little gas,” she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”

MOMS

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…..?”

She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2″, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God…’.”

CHINESE JEWS

Smith and Jones were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

“Smith,” asked Jones, “are there any Jews in China?”

“I don’t know,” Smith replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”

When the waiter came by, Jones asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”

Waiter: “No Chinese Jews, Sir.”

“Are you really sure?” Jones asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.”

The waiter replied exasperated, “We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews.”

SATAN IN CHURCH

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”