Category Archives: Lawyer Jokes

DEAD LAWYER

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. “No,” the doctor said.
“I did not check his pulse.” “And did you listen for a heartbeat?” asked the lawyer.
“No I did not,” the doctor said.
“So,” said the lawyer, “when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead.”
The doctor said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know,
he could be out practicing law somewhere.”

EXPERIENCE COUNTS

A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed to three identical birds lined up on the perch.

”How much is the one on the left?” asked the customer.

”Five hundred dollars,” said the shop owner.

”Why is it so expensive?”

”Because it knows how to do legal research.”

”What about the one in the middle? How much is that?”

”One thousand dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.”

”And how much is the third parrot?”

”Five thousands dollars.”

”What can it do that is so special?”

”To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a damn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”

BLIND GOLFERS

A priest, a doctor and a lawyer were playing golf together one morning, but were stuck behind a particularly slow group. All three were complaining about how long the group were taking on each hole. Finally they spotted the green keeper, so they decided to have a word with him.

“That’s a group of blind firefighters,” explained the green keeper. “They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. So we let them play here any time free of charge.”

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I’ll say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “That’s a good idea. And I’m going to consult all my textbooks to see if there isn’t anything that can be done for them.”

The lawyer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

PROFESSION

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” “Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

A SCOTCH PLEASE

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”

The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars.”

The guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender says, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”

The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

SNEAKY LAWYER

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.