Category Archives: Bar/Drunk Jokes - Page 3

ADVICE

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, “I never know how to handle the situation when I’m asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?”

The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

PEOPLE WHO DONT DRINK…………….

Beggar: Give me food.
Man: I’ll give you Vodka.
Beggar: I don’t drink, Give me food.
Man: I’ll give you cigarettes.
Beggar: I don’t smoke.
Man: I’ll take you to race.
Beggar: I don’t gamble.
Man: I’ll get you girl friend.
Beggar: I love only my wife.
Man: I’ll give you food, but first you have to come to my house.
Beggar: Why?
Man: I want my wife to see what state people get into when they don’t Drink, Smoke, Gamble & Love only their own WIFE..!!

FART

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”

The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”

The one dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff… church, church, church.”

CONFESSION BOX

A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.

There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side.”

DRUNK BIKER

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.

He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.

“So what’s going on here?” he asks.

The bikie replies, “My mate here has had too much to drink and I’m trying to make him vomit.”

The cop says, “I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!”

The bikie replies, “That’s what I’m going to do next!”

CIDER

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

“Why do you want a glass of cider?” the teacher asks.

“To take away the pain,” sobs the little girl.

“What do you mean?” the teacher asks.

“Well,” sobs the little girl. “I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider.”