Category Archives: Bar/Drunk Jokes

DRUNK OR SOBER?

I was stopped by the cops in a control, and one of the officers was convinced that I was drunk. I had to answer some questions, which would determine whether I was under the influence, or sober.

Cop: “If you are driving on a road and see two lights, what is it?” “A car, I think” I replied.

“OK, but is it a Chrysler, GM, or Buick?”

“No clue,” I replied.

“You’re drunk!” he said.

I shook my head slightly, being caught off guard.

“But if you meet one light then!?” he asked.

“Probably a motorcycle,” I replied.

“OK, but is it a Honda, BMW, or a Suzuki?”

“No clue!” I replied.

“You’re drunk!” he said again.

Now I was a little angry, and asked the arrogant officer, a question: “If you see a woman at a corner, with fishnet-stockings, mini-skirt, high-heeled shoes, and lots of makeup, what can it be?”

“Haaa! the cop said,” It is of course a wh*re!”

“Correct…,” I replied. “But is it your wife, daughter or mother?”

They seized my drivers license….

UNIQUE TREATMEANT

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

THE GRIEVANCE

Robert was sitting in a bar looking thoroughly miserable. After a while the customer at the next table said, “Excuse me, but you look really depressed. What’s the problem?”

“You may well ask,” sighed Robert. “I’ll tell you what the problem is. My mother died in March and left me 10,000 dollars.”

“Gee, thats tough,” said the customer sympathetically.

“Then in April,” continued Robert, “my father died, leaving me 50,000 dollars.”

“Im real sorry to hear that,” said the customer. “Losing two parents in two months – no wonder youre depressed.”

“And last month, added Robert, “my aunt died left me 15,000 dollars.”

The customer shook his head in pity: “How terrible! Three close family members lost in three months!”

“Then this month, said Robert, “Nothing.”

THE WORST DAY

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn’t move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.

The truck driver turned and said, “Come on Man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that.” the man replied, “Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with my best friend.”

The man was really sobbing now, “I left home depressed and come to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!”

Bar

SANTA AUR LADKI

Santa: Sharab pite pite rone laga
Banta: Kya hua kyo ro rahe ho?
Santa: Yaar ki kara jis ladki ko bhulane k liye pi raha tha,uska naam yaad nhi aa raha hai

A SCOTCH PLEASE

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”

The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars.”

The guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender says, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”

The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”