O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when
he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg.
“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is
sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!
Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to
gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and
proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he
finishes the disgusted bartender says “Why in the hell did you shit on my
bar?” The drunk replies “Even Elvis had to clear his throat!”

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, “ATTENTION
ALL” and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at
the drunk and says” Excuse me, you just farted before my
wife.”

The drunks replies,” I’m sorry I didn’t know it was her turn.”